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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me

It is a strange day in American history. Crime rates are at their highest, employment at it's lowest. Babies being born into an unforgiving society full of sloth, death and hatred. A Democrat in the White House and more special interest groups than can be counted. It is a strange day indeed. But with all the propaganda flying and murder and war, my mind is on another subject, big surprise huh? I am completely engulfed in my own insecurities and fears that just won't seem to leave me alone. There isn't a five minute period that i don't think something catastrophic is going to go down. Some major event i might miss if i go to sleep before 4 a.m. Some person i might not meet, or even worse, one i might lose. I run circles around my mind 24/7 thinking about what COULD go wrong in my life. Fear is the Devil's advocate. If i am so afraid to live my life the way i want to, i will die a lonely, broken old man with nothing but regrets to look back upon. I choose not to live that way today. Instead, just for this minute (i can't promise any longer than that), I'm going to live the way that feels good to me. Not to society's standards, not to the ultimate "cookie cutter" that i call the modern world, but instead, to my own standards that make me feel like a success, that make me feel like i haven't missed out on anything today. Is someone doesn't like the way i conduct myself in my professional life, social life, love life, or personal life, then they have the right to go shove their opinions up their ass and keep fucking walking. If i end up pissing some people off in the process, so be it! They have the same opportunity that i have. Take it or leave it.

I am The Distiller, and i approve this message.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Lost

As i lay silent in my bed, i can't help but wonder what i could have done differently. My mind races through a thousand different scenarios. If only i would have done "_____". But would it really have made a difference? I know the world isn't perfect, nor am i. Far from it actually. But i just wish, in my heart of hearts, that i could make that daily improvement for which i strive with an undying ferver. I know I'm am nothing but another man trying to find his place in the world, but it seems so far from real. The white collar businessman has his office. The blue collar construction worker, his tools and workshop. The artist with his canvas and paint. But what do i have? A dream and a handful of shit. Now I'm I'm playing the "poor me" card and bitching about life being to hard, blah blah blah...... But rather I'm expressing my inner anguish that stems from MY lack of vision, MY void from which the natural urges to succeed should flow. It's MY heart that doesn't grasp onto a single project, series, playwright or artist. I have a thousand thoughts at once, all of them telling me to drive myself in different directions. Each one of them completely opposite of the next. But i digress. I know this is nothing more than the all-too-familiar phenomenon called life. In all honesty, I DO know what i want, i do know where I'm going, but am so intimidated by the thought, rather by the opportunity for failure, I coax myself into thinking I'm confused, or lacking direction, or not sure of my future. "This too shall pass" repeats in my head, and i know it will. My patience is wearing thin though. Hopefully it will come soon.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Overwhelming Change


As i sit alone, one hand raised toward the sky, in what seems to be some ritualistic dance, I stretch the tired from my bones. One more key stroke, one more fading memory. The past is what makes us. It is also, sometimes, our downfall. If you remove a single brick from the foundation of a home, the whole structure becomes unstable. Such is life. If we try and remove a single memory, an experience, a past friend or lover, then we jeopardize ourselves as a whole. If we do not embrace everything from our lives, good, bad and indifferent, then we cannot say we are living a life of truth. Mistakes are made along the journey we have labeled "life". However, these mistakes can be turned around and used to our advantage. We must take hold of our pasts, no matter what memories arise, and accept them as they are, no if's and's or but's about it. I learned this lesson today, perhaps a day late, buck short, so on and so forth..... All i know is I, as a person, I cannot be ashamed of my past, nor can i pretend it did not happen. Because of this, I must hold my head high and trudge through this time in my life with honor and civility. If I do not, I will just be filling my soon-to-be-made past with more and more regrets and shame-invoking actions. My life is my playground. If I don't enjoy it, who will?