Friday, March 27, 2009
As i lay silent in my bed, i can't help but wonder what i could have done differently. My mind races through a thousand different scenarios. If only i would have done "_____". But would it really have made a difference? I know the world isn't perfect, nor am i. Far from it actually. But i just wish, in my heart of hearts, that i could make that daily improvement for which i strive with an undying ferver. I know I'm am nothing but another man trying to find his place in the world, but it seems so far from real. The white collar businessman has his office. The blue collar construction worker, his tools and workshop. The artist with his canvas and paint. But what do i have? A dream and a handful of shit. Now I'm I'm playing the "poor me" card and bitching about life being to hard, blah blah blah...... But rather I'm expressing my inner anguish that stems from MY lack of vision, MY void from which the natural urges to succeed should flow. It's MY heart that doesn't grasp onto a single project, series, playwright or artist. I have a thousand thoughts at once, all of them telling me to drive myself in different directions. Each one of them completely opposite of the next. But i digress. I know this is nothing more than the all-too-familiar phenomenon called life. In all honesty, I DO know what i want, i do know where I'm going, but am so intimidated by the thought, rather by the opportunity for failure, I coax myself into thinking I'm confused, or lacking direction, or not sure of my future. "This too shall pass" repeats in my head, and i know it will. My patience is wearing thin though. Hopefully it will come soon.