Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Seriously?! 4:26...eyes wide open. This is getting to be a tad ridiculous. Maybe next time i could have some advance notice I'll be up all friggin' night so i can at least do something productive instead of lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours on end. Out of this whole predicament I have, however, discovered I really like The Spill Canvas. And thank Allah for Pandora radio. Soooooo...yeah. I'm at the end of my rope with this lack of sleep deal. Up alllll night, sleep alllll day....not working for me. Don't get me wrong. I love late night antics and all that jazz, but on a Monday night? Really?! I tried holistic sleep supplements, caffeine deprivation, meditation, reading boring literature and bargaining with the universe, but none have worked for me. Ugh. I'm dying here.


One with the darkness, lying alone, dreaming of what might be
Emptiness upon my walls, dreaming, vacant
Vibrations running through my being, beating like a drum
Fighting for my sweet release
The harder I try, the further away I'm driven
Reaching toward the void, seeking dreams, achieving void

Wondering of what she dreams,
Remembering her heartbeat's soft soft song
Longing to see her again soon
The smell of her hair, her soft skin, that radiant smile

Monday, August 16, 2010

Eternal Sunshine

It really is amazing to me how quickly my mood can change! One minute, I'm wearing black eye liner and cutting myself (exaggeration), and the next I'm laughing like a damn hyena. So, I've been told over and over not to "look outside yourself to feel better about yourself", but i don't have a choice in the matter right now! This one person in my life has me inviolably smitten! When I'm with her, I cant stop staring at her, and when I'm not, I can't wait to see her. Granted, I've been taken my more than one woman in my lifetime, but no other person has had my brain in such a tailspin. I know I want to see more of this, and I simply cannot wait to see where this chapter of my life reads to. I've, one too many times, settled for a woman because she shows me attention. I realized a while back that, go figure, I'm worth working for. I have to admit that I'm actually piggybacking off her last blog entry(hopefully she doesn't mind), but I'm right there with her when she says that you ought to "...know that you are awesome enough not to have to put up with his(/her) shit!". I am, for once in my life: able to trust, completely enraptured by, and am perpetually impressed by this person. Life is good.


"Keep holding on
When my brain's ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come
Again to get me" - Korn

Paranoia, solid black disposition, intolerance, rage. I thought these attributes would be gone after 5 years. Seldom do they sneak up on my unsuspecting spirit, but they're coming on strong today. Apparently, I'm in need of some "personal maintenance". Looking at the situation, all is going pretty damn well in my life; business is good, love life is playing out in an amazing manner, yet I'm feeling this unwavering feeling of impending doom. Ugh. Only time has the power to disperse these feelings, I know. The hard part is waiting them out. That's right. Deliver it to my heart. Eh, fukitol. ;-) Haha. So, in the middle of getting all emo, I have one fleeting thought about one of the best parts of my life today, and I can't stop smiling. Thank you, Princess, for making my day once again.

Sunday, August 15, 2010


Sitting in a smoky office, accompanied only by a canine companion. 4:56 a.m. Seems like a lifetime since I've felt the heartbeat of the newest addition to my life softly drumming the rhythm of sweet compassion in my ear, reinforcing the reality that life is beautiful. It's amazing how one half your size can make you feel safe in any situation. Listening to Emo rock, completely identifying with the overwhelming feeling of butterflies in your stomach. 5:02 a.m. These feelings of anxiety, uneasiness and anticipation seem so foreign. It feels like a lifetime since these feelings have come into play; totally throwing the balance of my world into a tailspin. I'd forgotten what it felt like to smile uncontrollably when you hear a person's name or see a photo of them. I'd forgotten what it feels like to fall under that person's spell every time you see them. And most of all, I'd forgotten how much I missed that feeling. It's so difficult to put into words just how i feel. Luckily for me, there stands the medium of text. How easily the words flow betwixt my digits and keyboard. So fluently and eloquently the thousand thoughts a minute transcend from intangible gibberish to discernible beings, bouncing about the screen with grace and uniformity. 5:19 a.m. Past the point of fatigue, I'm jettisoning quickly into the world of tomfoolery. Hopefully this message is delivered to the intended demographic, allowing this nonsensical chatter to be deciphered. It's 100% totally past my bedtime, so farewell until next time.