Insomnia

Seriously?! 4:26...eyes wide open. This is getting to be a tad ridiculous. Maybe next time i could have some advance notice I'll be up all friggin' night so i can at least do something productive instead of lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours on end. Out of this whole predicament I have, however, discovered I really like The Spill Canvas. And thank Allah for Pandora radio. Soooooo...yeah. I'm at the end of my rope with this lack of sleep deal. Up alllll night, sleep alllll day....not working for me. Don't get me wrong. I love late night antics and all that jazz, but on a Monday night? Really?! I tried holistic sleep supplements, caffeine deprivation, meditation, reading boring literature and bargaining with the universe, but none have worked for me. Ugh. I'm dying here.

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One with the darkness, lying alone, dreaming of what might be
Emptiness upon my walls, dreaming, vacant
Vibrations running through my being, beating like a drum
Fighting for my sweet release
The harder I try, the further away I'm driven
Reaching toward the void, seeking dreams, achieving void

Wondering of what she dreams,
Remembering her heartbeat's soft soft song
Longing to see her again soon
The smell of her hair, her soft skin, that radiant smile

Eternal Sunshine

It really is amazing to me how quickly my mood can change! One minute, I'm wearing black eye liner and cutting myself (exaggeration), and the next I'm laughing like a damn hyena. So, I've been told over and over not to "look outside yourself to feel better about yourself", but i don't have a choice in the matter right now! This one person in my life has me inviolably smitten! When I'm with her, I cant stop staring at her, and when I'm not, I can't wait to see her. Granted, I've been taken my more than one woman in my lifetime, but no other person has had my brain in such a tailspin. I know I want to see more of this, and I simply cannot wait to see where this chapter of my life reads to. I've, one too many times, settled for a woman because she shows me attention. I realized a while back that, go figure, I'm worth working for. I have to admit that I'm actually piggybacking off her last blog entry(hopefully she doesn't mind), but I'm right there with her when she says that you ought to "...know that you are awesome enough not to have to put up with his(/her) shit!". I am, for once in my life: able to trust, completely enraptured by, and am perpetually impressed by this person. Life is good.

Emo-licious

"Keep holding on
When my brain's ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come
Again to get me" - Korn

Paranoia, solid black disposition, intolerance, rage. I thought these attributes would be gone after 5 years. Seldom do they sneak up on my unsuspecting spirit, but they're coming on strong today. Apparently, I'm in need of some "personal maintenance". Looking at the situation, all is going pretty damn well in my life; business is good, love life is playing out in an amazing manner, yet I'm feeling this unwavering feeling of impending doom. Ugh. Only time has the power to disperse these feelings, I know. The hard part is waiting them out. That's right. Deliver it to my heart. Eh, fukitol. ;-) Haha. So, in the middle of getting all emo, I have one fleeting thought about one of the best parts of my life today, and I can't stop smiling. Thank you, Princess, for making my day once again.

4:56

Sitting in a smoky office, accompanied only by a canine companion. 4:56 a.m. Seems like a lifetime since I've felt the heartbeat of the newest addition to my life softly drumming the rhythm of sweet compassion in my ear, reinforcing the reality that life is beautiful. It's amazing how one half your size can make you feel safe in any situation. Listening to Emo rock, completely identifying with the overwhelming feeling of butterflies in your stomach. 5:02 a.m. These feelings of anxiety, uneasiness and anticipation seem so foreign. It feels like a lifetime since these feelings have come into play; totally throwing the balance of my world into a tailspin. I'd forgotten what it felt like to smile uncontrollably when you hear a person's name or see a photo of them. I'd forgotten what it feels like to fall under that person's spell every time you see them. And most of all, I'd forgotten how much I missed that feeling. It's so difficult to put into words just how i feel. Luckily for me, there stands the medium of text. How easily the words flow betwixt my digits and keyboard. So fluently and eloquently the thousand thoughts a minute transcend from intangible gibberish to discernible beings, bouncing about the screen with grace and uniformity. 5:19 a.m. Past the point of fatigue, I'm jettisoning quickly into the world of tomfoolery. Hopefully this message is delivered to the intended demographic, allowing this nonsensical chatter to be deciphered. It's 100% totally past my bedtime, so farewell until next time.

"The Island Of Misfit Toys"

The island of misfit toys
broken by the standards of my kin
Lost in the eyes of the undeserving
Giving my all, my best reserving
The curtain blows, rippling in the winds of inconsistency
Another moment lost on this endless quest for something more
But no sunrise appears, no diamond in the rough
Eyesight blurred with the hopes of something better
Blind to the paradise that surrounds
The time is now, but hands hang limp
Unable to grasp for the seemingly unattainable
Lost is the hope of something more
Standing true is the reality of mediocrity
There is no true treasure, just the illusion, just the hope of something more
What more is there to this tainted game?
Refusal to settle for the American Dream
Is it time to raise the white flag?
To surrender is to lose, but to fight is unbearable
A stalemate is reached
Standing alone on the battle field, time comes to a standstill
No more options, no more fight left inside
It is time to change, time to live
Past experiences used as stepping stones to a new frontier
The sunrise hangs behind the distant mountain range
It is time to trek to the summit
To see that fabled light
It is time for a new life
A life with no expectations
A life much deserved

“Gay Rights : A New Perspective On An Old Topic”

In the past 20 or 30 years, the “hot topic” in America has been Gay Rights and Gay Marriage.

This essay is geared mainly towards the restoration, the institution rather, of same-sex partners'

rights as United States citizens. The controversial and taboo nature of this subject is what led me

to choose this topic. We shall now endeavor into the world of equal

rights.

As a whole, the importance of equal rights is monumental. Imagine a world where your race, creed or color determines what type of treatment you receive in everyday society. This is the world in which many same-sex partners live. As it may be hard to believe for someone such as yourself, it is a hard reality to swallow for many Americans.

Some Americans stand by their beliefs that equal rights, as far as marriage goes, diminishes so-called “family values”. However, when almost 3% of America's population (almost 9 million people), admit to being predominantly homosexual, how can we honestly say we're protecting family values for these people when they can't legally have families? The United States were founded on the idea that these people would not be oppressed, based on their religious beliefs, or any other reason. Contradictorily, same sex couples have been forced, for their own good, to stay silent about their beliefs, values and morals. This, in my opinion, is in no way following in the footsteps of our forefathers. If we really want to protect family values, we ought to accept every person in the U.S. as our brother or sister and defend their rights, as well as the “moral majority”.

Some of my naysayers will argue that being in a same-sex relationship is “wrong”. But my question to them is, to whom is this action considered “wrong”? I these people were in the shoes of so many Americans who are fighting for their right to join in matrimony, they wouldn't feel it was all that wrong, I don't believe. My point is, the categorizing of right and wrong is all relative. If a man and a woman have the right to join in marriage, so should a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. My side is simple. Give equal rights to ALL Americans, not just select citizens. Gay people have the obligation to pay taxes and join the military, in times of draft, so should they have the moral right to join together as a couple in nothing more than love, bearing the same fruits of their heartfelt dedication to this beautiful country of ours, the UNITED States of America.

My argument remains simple. Equal rights ought to be given to a people that have fought so hard for them in the past years. No one person in this country is better nor worse than the next. We ought to start recognizing this FACT. I shall stand by these words through sunshine and rain, for the rights of citizens ought to be rights, not privileges.

SellOut

I sit here and listen

to rhythmic words recorded.

Hatred and contempt, but for what?

Because a dollar was made, a redhead impressed?

Sellout synonymous with success.

Are we not just envious?

Do we not just want the same?

A million denied, a fool defined.

The same heart and soul,

but with pennies exchanged.

Mainstream or indie, the same words exclaimed.

Uncle sam is an uncle tom,

A reason for hate?

Fight it to the death, til blue in the face,

but no one is safe.

If a million is offered, who would reject?

A fool in my eyes, but now i regress.